I’ve been reflecting a lot over the past week. New Year’s always makes me a little sentimental... it’s still sort of unexplainable to me. But as I think about years past, these are my thoughts.

2014: THE YEAR OF INSTABILITY.

I ended my relationship of 7 years. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

How will I ever love again?

I knew I needed to be on my own… But could I? Independent? Yes. Celibate? Eh. Alone? No. But I tried.

And then out of thin air, everything changed quicker and more miraculously than I could have imagined. My partner fought for my affection harder than I was physically capable of pushing against him. Cautiously and fearfully, I let it back in. I left my job and we spent a short season backpacking and exploring a new part of the world together. And it was beautiful. After so long of holding my breath, wondering if we were going to last, I learned how to breathe again. But more importantly, traveling hand in hand with this man taught me how to trust again.

2015: THE YEAR OF STABILITY.

I️ came home from overseas, jobless and with a huge dent in my bank account. But within a month I️ found work. I learned how to live minimally and what the joy of having less brought to my life, and I think backpacking had a profound effect on that. Wanderlust had always been biting me but after traveling non-stop for so long, it felt so good to finally stand still for awhile.

2016: THE YEAR OF THE QUARTER LIFE CRISIS.

I️ had an epiphany.

I started asking a lot of important questions mostly regarding my values. I told myself what was important but I wasn’t giving those areas of my life any attention.

Who is the person I️ want to become?

For so long I used possessions to try to fill that void, but it wasn’t working. And on top of that I️ was too busy taking care of my things to actually do anything meaningful with my life. I started understanding what I️ was passionate about and instead of “aspiring” to be good at them, I dove in head first wanting to learn more. My confidence skyrocketed and my entire outlook on life started shifting positively.

2017: THE YEAR OF ROAM.

The year started with this word in my head. ROAM. I couldn’t shake it. I dreamt about it.

ROAM (v.) to move about or travel aimlessly.

This was what I initially envisioned. A lot of seeing parts of the world I had never seen before.

So, I only ended up getting on a plane once.

What did this word really mean then?

ROAM (v.) (of a person's mind or thoughts) drift along without dwelling on anything in particular.

I got engaged, moved into a new apartment with my then fiancé, purchased a piece of land outright, and then got married all within a few short months. Literally a whirlwind and completely unlike me. I ponder things for long periods of time. I think before I act. But this year, I floated along. Not thoughtlessly. Not carelessly. Just simply. And in hopes that my heart would go wherever it wanted and I’d end up somewhere new in life because of its desires.

And that’s exactly what happened.

In 2014, I thought my life was ending. I let my body waste away. I let my mind become full of useless ruminations. To wake up everyday killed me. But I learned that you can get on your hands and knees every morning and endlessly sob to God who you’re unsure is even listening to your lowest, most idiotic pleas and miracles can actually happen. Every year since has blessed me in ways I never knew possible. Yes, I ended up with a partner who douses me with an overwhelming amount of unconditional love, of which I’m incredibly grateful for. But more importantly every year since, I have grown stronger in who I am.

Truly the biggest lesson of all in these last few years has been this:

Allow nothing in your life that you cannot walk out on in 30 seconds flat.

When something no longer adds value to my life, be it possessions, habits, ideas, passions, or even relationships, it's important to be able to let them go in a moments notice. It might sound insensitive, but holding onto something so close and being unable to walk away from it is only doing a disservice to myself and limits my ability to grow. Holding onto something out of obligation isn’t just disingenuous to myself, but others around me. There are certain exceptions that we can’t easily walk away from… exceptions that only we can decide on on a personal level based on our values (i.e. that job we hate just to pay the electric bill, a messy marriage, etc)… but even though we can’t walk away from those things in 30 seconds flat, we can still ultimately walk away from them when they start draining value from our lives.