Dan's proposal.. It was a light that surpassed my own understanding. It still does... and it feels so right.
In order for anyone to grasp this story, we would have to go back to prehistoric times...
There once were two lovebirds who would do just about anything for one another. They dreamily stared into each other's eyes, played, and had too much fun doing just about anything as long as they were together. He said “I love you” first.. she responded back "I lust you" but in time finally said "I love you back". Though life may not have been a walk in the park at every given moment, the fire in their eyes still burned fierce and nothing was about to get in the way of that. Classic story.
Lying in bed one night, he whispered:
"You’re my best friend. Marry me."
Too young. So in love at 21. I laughed at this joke of a question. We fell asleep spooning.
I saw it coming.
Weeks before while I was sleeping, he came home in the middle of the night. I awoke in the darkness to a tugging on the ring that was on my left ring finger. The ring my dad bought me when I was 6 on the boardwalk for $9. The ring I wore on that finger for the last 20 years of my life, before I even knew what wearing a ring on that finger meant. As I laid there, still half asleep, I wondered why he was trying to take my ring off? And then it hit me. I started sweating bullets of nervousness. Not that I was scared per se, but because wow… this is a big moment. I walked to the bathroom in the dark. Rose petals under my feet every step of the way. Why was this happening? Why now? Am I dreaming?
He knew I knew.
I told him I was going back to sleep and felt awful inside.
“I want to take you somewhere for your birthday!”… “But we’re going to St. Petersburg for my birthday”... I packed my bags anyway. (Who turns down a weekend away with their man?).
We were ready.
Our Saturday started out with some random errands. Coffee and a quick bite. An unnecessary argument. I hardly remember why. Face palm. Then we hit the road.
I’m not quite sure I can convey how impactful the next few hours were about to be. This was a historical moment. A long time waiting.
I had no idea where we were headed or even where we were as we headed there. He led me deeper into unfamiliar backwoods. We pulled off onto a one way narrow road and I started getting nervous. A lake to my right. We pulled into a driveway. An old glass barn to my left.
It was like a dream.
The owner of the bed and breakfast gave us a tour. A small apartment in the lower part of the barn, fully furnished and straight out of a Kinfolk magazine. A rustic loft in the upper part of the barn with the evening light pouring in through all the surrounding windows. A concrete fireplace, vintage furniture congregated to make a small living room overlooking the lake below. Dan asked what I wanted to do first.
Take photos of course.
We walked around the loft, both taking pictures before the sun set. I looked over to see him getting something out of his backpack. A bottle of vodka and tonic water. Not unusual. I walked around the fireplace, continuing to take photos. A wooden ladder. An old sofa. A tribal rug. Dan comes into view in my camera lens and gets down on one knee, ring in hand, voice shaking, more nervous than I’d ever seen him.
My life is a movie.
I swear I almost dropped the camera. Completely shocked, yet I saw it coming. As I said yes over and over again, tears welling, kissing him, he took off the ring of 20 years and replaced silver with gold… the most beautiful ring I could have ever imagined him giving me.
Could this moment have been anymore perfect?
Or to find out that months prior while I’m out of town my dad is illuded into attending a business meeting that is actually prearranged to ask for his blessing. Or that the ring, that is supposed to come in the autumn, is months late and almost lost in the Christmas mail craze all the way from Australia. Or that both of our families have been impatiently knowing and waiting over the last few months, fearing the ring will be lost before I can even say yes.
Dan and I have been through our fair share of things, and yet, we're still here, happy, genuinely full. With so much love and longing, there’s not one thing anyone could have told me that would make me believe this is how my “fairy tale” would end up.
We’re driving.
There’s a car in front of us and then a long opening before more traffic up ahead. We’re getting onto the bridge and I notice the earth looks like it’s shaking. I look up and see that a part of the bridge ahead has fallen out. The car in front of us slams on the brakes but doesn’t make it and falls off and into the bay. Dan slams on the brakes but realizes he isn’t going to stop in time. He releases his foot. We go over the edge. Slow motion starts. We’re falling. Dan sits there and doesn’t make a move to save himself. I look over at him and start yelling “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OPEN YOUR DOOR AND JUMP!” In an instant we both jump out before the car can hit water.
I wake in a panic.
And within a blink of an eye, it’s over. We’re over.
“I want to marry this man and have his babies and grow old together. The idea of not having and sharing all of that with him is heartbreaking for me. It hurts to know that he wanted all of this too. He wanted to know when he could propose and he talked to me about what we wanted for our wedding. We talked about baby names and house ideas. I thought 100% that this was it. I would never again for a second in my life have to consider another guy or dating or any of that bullshit because I knew he was it. I’m still so unbelievably in love with this man. And I just hope that he’s still head over heels in love with me too.”
If that’s not love…
Years ago when I abandoned him for something better, I almost immediately ran back and clung so hard because I realized what wonderful was. When the tables turned I clung to him even harder. Fighting for love every moment and hurting more each passing day. Emotionally and physically wasting away to nothing, I wondered what the future held. Holding onto a rope that was almost completely worn, ‘I’ eventually let go.
It was me. I needed to run.
When we lose hope we deem ourselves less than worthy and more often than not, we run. I got pretty good at running. Running away from anything good.
He ran to me.
This might sound like a miracle, an easy answer, a gift. It was. He fought for me. But at the same time it wasn't. I was beyond repair. Everything I did felt mildly useless until someone saw my value. I wanted nothing to do with men. With love at all really. To let love in. To learn love. To know love. To let love grow. To let love go. To let love back in.
The latter being the hardest.
For me, I was a mess.
To learn grace and trust was almost impossible.
That’s what happened with us. We were a made match, until we got in our own way of course. Selfishness, pride, unforgiveness will do that. It’ll put a breach between you and the very thing you love most. And for me that was Dan.
No one loved me like he loved me.
Even after 10 years of ups and downs and ins and outs with this man, I can still say these things with full confidence. He's always had my back even when I rejected him. And even when he rejected me. I'm realizing that the feeling of knowing the patience, compassion, and understanding that this man has over me, surpasses any pleasure ever offered.
It brings me to tears this truth.
I'm far from perfect. Finally I can accept that. But I also see that I don't need to be ‘okay’ in order to feel loved or as most would say, be deserving. 'Deserve'. I don't really like that word. There's such a sense of entitlement that trails behind it. I think we're gifted the things we are given but we don't 'deserve' them. People become pretty selfish when they think they deserve the world. Do I feel I 'deserve' unconditional love from him? No. Even through my rejection towards him at times, he never backs down and I think that is incredibly honorable of a man. Despite my shortcomings he's always ready to take me in with open arms and a loving heart.
The fight was so worth it.
He's an amazing person and sometimes I question if he is human by the way he adores me. He's a gentleman in public and behind closed doors. He's respectful, respectable, silly and so caring. He's determined and hot in pursuit of what he wants and doesn’t let anything get in the way of that. He's persistent and kind. He’s unconventional. He has the heart of a servant. He's okay with not being front and center and works hard for what he has. He dances. His hair. He's a dreamboat.
I'm not making him up, I swear.
The movie nights and makeout sessions. The late night long distance calls and driving excessively over the speed limit, just to get the most time together on college weekends, crazy excited to see one another. Passing years, anniversaries and a million lit candles. The amount of rum punches and nonstop conversations. Dancing in the rain, dancing in the headlights, dancing in his bedroom. Spontaneous road trips and a stack of parking tickets accumulated. Trains, planes, buses, and hostels in country after country and just constantly laughing together through it all. He is my breath. My laughter. My exhale.
After hearing for so many years "when are you and Dan finally going to get married?", I silently became irritated. Not because I was the anxious girlfriend who was desperately waiting for her boyfriend to propose, like so many people pinned me to be for years (why think that when all I have been is completely content). Truth be told, for so long I never really wanted to get married. Growing up, I didn't plan my dream wedding like most girls... I figured I'd be a bachelorette forever and adopt some babies. But then I met him. To me, even if he would have never asked me to marry him, I still had already decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Not because I felt relationally bound to him for so many years. Not because he was my first love. And certainly not because I'd spend my whole life waiting for him to pop the question (because really now, how sad would that be?). I'd live the rest of my life with him because before any other title he might be to me; whether best friend, lust, lover, boyfriend, fiancé, or husband, he is undeniably and insurmountably above all my partner. And for me, that's the only title that has ever mattered or will ever mean anything real to me, ring on a finger or not.
HE'S ‘THE ONE’.
I don't believe there is only one person for us. There are far too many people on this earth for us to only have a ‘one’. What if your ‘one’ was halfway around the world but you never got on that plane to go see them and they never drove the distance and swam the seven seas to meet you? Too bad.. You're forever alone? Pretty crazy to think right?
That's why the power of choice is so beautiful.
We choose our 'one'. I feel like that's much more special. I get to fight for my love, my commitment to whom I choose... and we get to grow together in this life. It's refined. That's intentional.
Slowly allowing not just some 'one', but MY 'one', back into my life, and me back into his, time and again. We are on an adventure and it is unbelievable. I'm not worried. I'm not sorry. I'm not confused. And most importantly I'm not "what if"ing anymore. I just am... and it feels so right for once.
I became so numb to life and am so grateful to actually feel again. I've needed to.. I've needed to allow myself to be loved and adored again by a man with patience, intention, determination, and a heart full of compassion to cover a multitude of things I've carried. The amazing thing is, I'm fully getting what I asked for and more.
What is life?
My home has a heartbeat.
We are on the same team.
We choose that. Everyday we choose that.
The best part of all of this is, is that I'm not alone.